Rather than posting about facts and figures I realized it's time to maybe make things a bit more personal and unguarded. This weekend I returned home and it was the first time I had access to a scale in a little over a month; something that drives me absolutely insane. It's a dual-edged sword though; the lack of scale in my apartment makes sure that I'm not obsessively checking my weight, however on the other hand I'm unable to check my progress in gaining. Needless to say the first thing I did after greeting my family when I got home was hop on the scale. I was finally over the 100 mark for the first time since sophomore year of high school and truth be told it was a strange feeling. I was so used to seeing double digit numbers for the past 4 years of my life and there was a sense of pride because I feel like I had succeeded but also fear had overtaken me.
I still have the mentality that this weight is essentially disgusting. I saw the "103" displayed on the digital read out and my heart began racing. On one hand I knew that this is a "normal" weight and logically I am by no means overweight. Then I continued to look at myself; the way my thighs are considerably bigger than they were over the summer when I was at an all time low weight, how my hip bones are less prominent, and how my jeans are a bit snug. I was terrified; terrified that if it was this easy for me to gain weight since September what's saying I was going to stop? What if I just continued gaining? Then I realized that if I checked my BMI this may settle my mind. I plugged in my height (5 foot 4 inches) and weight (103 pounds) into an online BMI calculator and awaited my results. I checked the side bar of the site and anything below 18.5 is considered "underweight". A small part of me was hoping for results yielding a number well past this value. The read out was 17.7 and sadly, I was ecstatic.
I took a step back and thought of what I was worried about and realized that this mentality of weight obsession may never ever, ever go away. Although I am not actively trying to starve myself as I once was, I am still overly conscious about what and when I eat. I avoid the campus center like the plague because it's too tempting to get chicken nuggets. My meals consist of water and soup, sometimes a Mountain Dew Code Red if I feel sleepy from not eating until 5 PM, but at least I'm eating right? If my friends propose a late-night trip to Wawa I begin to make up excuses as to why I can't go. "I have homework" or "Well my first class is at 8:30 tomorrow morning" gets me out of the field trip when in reality I don't eat past 10 PM because late-night eating slows down one's metabolism. As I write all of this I realize I am not "better"; I don't think one can ever be cured from a mentality wholly. Yes, those of us who have struggled with ED's can stop the extreme actions that made us "sick", but it's a constant battle with oneself. My weight is always in the back of my mind as something that can make or break me and I'm not too sure if the constant humming of my weight consciousness is something that can ever go away.
